My Husband Isn’t a “Hands On” Dad
I often get the comment from other women that Brodi is a very “hands on” dad. It’s meant as a compliment. It’s meant as a way of saying to me that I’m very lucky, because I have help. However, the sentiment is lost, because to me, “hands on” just comes with the territory.
I know that I am lucky, and not a day goes by where I’m not incredibly grateful. I have a husband who wants to be a part of his son’s life. He wants to take care of the child that he helped me create. He wants to make our house a happy home. He wants to be a team.
But my husband isn’t a “hands on” dad. Could you imagine someone saying to your husband, “Wow, your wife is a hands on mom!” ? Probably not! Being hands on just comes with the job. And it’s generally taken for granted that when a human baby comes into the world, the mom is going to do most of what is involved to take care of that baby. As the baby grows, he/she will most often rely on mom for the majority of his/her basic needs. This is not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.
The mom often does these tasks without praise or congratulations. She doesn’t get oohed and awed over when she’s carrying her kid at the park like a dad does. It’s amazing how when a dad does even a small amount of the tasks that a mom does, they are often given immaculate praise. Especially from women. Women are so amazed that a dad is… well… being a dad.
I’m lucky because I have a family that recognizes how tough being a mom truly is. In our family, children are everything. It’s understood that one of the most important jobs we’ll ever have is raising good humans. I’m so thankful that I was raised with this perspective, and that the people closest to us hold child rearing in high esteem.
My husband works full time. At present, he is our sole income earner. Growing up, I somehow got it into my head that being an income earner was the most important thing. As if that somehow exonerated you from most of the other jobs in life that didn’t earn you an income. Even as a working woman myself, I sometimes excused myself from having to maintain a spotless home, or make nice meals, because I was working. I felt that was enough. And when we didn’t have a child, I think that it was. Brodi and I went easy on each other, because we knew we had both had long days at work. However, I still have long days at “work,” but now my work doesn’t earn me an income. And I don’t clock out. The only thing that hasn’t changed, is how my husband views my “work.”
When I first became a stay at home mom after we were finally able to bring Arden home from the hospital, I struggled with the fact that what I did in a day was no longer earning me an income. I felt that because of this, I wasn’t contributing. But over and over again, my husband has reiterated that my job, raising our son, is the most important job in the world. And not only does my husband work full time outside of the home, but he also comes home every night and steps right back into the role of dad. In fact, he never left it, because throughout the day, I know that a large portion of his head space is consumed by that role as well.
My husband works hard at his day job, and then he comes home and works hard to be a great dad, and a great partner. Although my “job” as a mom is 24/7, I don’t feel alone in that role because I know that my partner is always there to support me. When I’m tired, he steps in so that I can have a break. He takes the time to create special moments and activities that only he and Arden share. He shares the responsibilities of being a parent with me, because we are a family. We are a team.
We distribute our everyday home tasks as evenly as we can, and that often means that a lot of the indoor tasks are “my job,” (Example: laundry, cleaning, Arden’s care) and most of the outdoor tasks are his “job” (Example: snow plowing, lawn mowing, vehicle maintenance). It works well that way for us, and I think all couples should find a task distribution that works for them. But that doesn’t mean that everything falls on me when he knows I’m worn down. He puts in a load of laundry here and there; he cleans up the dirty kitchen that he comes home to, even though he’s been at work all day. My husband understands that we are a partnership, and the only way we win is if we help one another.
When I was growing up, I remember the women in my life always being with the children. I’m not sure where the men were, but they sure weren’t changing dirty diapers or mixing up formula. In years since then, I’ve noticed a shift, and I think that it’s a positive one. Women are working too. Women are income earners. Women do their best to give 100% at their jobs, and somehow still come home and give 100% to their children. Men can do, and are doing, the same.
I look around at the men in my life now, friends and relatives who are dads, and they aren’t distant father figures. They’re a part of the team. When we’re all together, there is a seamless dance that occurs where moms and dads are stepping in and out to care for their children. Just because there are women present, doesn’t mean the men have excused themselves from responsibility. They’re dishing up their kids’ meals, they’re changing diapers, they’re keeping a watchful eye on children playing in the yard, they’re planning and carrying out activities for their little ones.
I think this shift is an important one, because parenting shouldn’t have to be a one-person operation. Both parties need to be “hands on” in order for success to occur. “Success” sometimes looks a little messy, but that’s life. As long as everyone is happy and looked after, a little laundry left in baskets around the house isn’t going to hurt anyone.
My husband isn’t a “hands on” dad. He’s my partner. And a darn good one at that. But the next time someone remarks that he’s a hands on dad, I’ll simply smile and say, “Yep! He’s a great dad.”
XO, Rayel