One Year Home for Arden is Coming Up…And I’m Feeling Two Truths

On December 15th last year, after I had spent 236 days in Edmonton, we brought our sweet Arden home. As we inch closer to that date, I’m feeling a wide range of emotions, and in the safety of our home and community, I’m allowing that for myself.

I think that our story of last year begins with and involves a lot of trauma, and yet ultimately, it’s a story of love and perseverance. Some would say it’s a story of hope, but in my mind, hope doesn’t do a whole lot without action or determination.

It wasn’t until around this time last year that I actually allowed myself to feel hope. When I say that, it sounds pessimistic or sad, but it’s not meant that way. Not allowing myself to feel too much hope at once was a protective mechanism. Even in Arden’s first weeks in the NICU, as I watched other babies come and go, I knew that his journey would be a long one. Even in the depths of my own shock and grief, I knew that in order to survive, we would need to persevere, and be realistic. We could hope that he would go home sooner rather than later, but it was important for us to realize that we were in it for the long haul.

Brodi and I became focused on the day-to-day steps that would bring our boy closer to home. Every day I asked questions, took notes, and spent 12-14 hours next to his hospital bed, so that I would have the understanding needed to advocate in Arden’s best interest. In the end, those survival instincts ensured that Arden became “one of the fastest trach-vented babies to ever go home” from the Stollery (according to many doctors and nurses who worked with him during our hospital stay).

As we get closer to that “one year home” milestone, I definitely feel pride and triumph. I honestly cannot believe the strength and determination he exhibits every single day. Those feelings that I have are welcomed and celebrated. Our sweet boy has come so far, and he’s been safe at home with no unplanned hospitalizations for a whole year. That’s incredible!

But sometimes I still have intrusive thoughts about last year, and as I remember some of the most terrifying moments that we experienced, I allow those feelings as well. Almost a year later, all I have to do is picture myself in one of those hospital rooms, and I’m right back there. It’s as if it happened yesterday. Trauma is funny like that. Sometimes I feel like I’ve conquered the world, and I’m untouchable. Other times, I’ll remember the times when we feared for our baby’s life and our uncertain future, and it hits me like a wave. I believe that it’s important to honour all of the feelings that I have. I once had a therapist tell me that we are allowed to have “two truths.” With that in mind, my truth is that I’m elated that Arden has been home for one year….AND I’m also still processing the 7.5 month hospital stay that he had last year.

At home, I’m still the fiercest advocate for Arden. But I’ve come to know that I’m safe here, and I’m allowed to feel. When we were in the hospital, there were many days where I stuffed my own feelings down in order to survive the day. I would put on a brave face because I knew that Arden needed my strength. I couldn’t fall apart because his best outcomes depended on me being present, being educated, and advocating in his best interest. Being home has not only been the most incredible period of growth for Arden, it’s also been a period of self discovery for me as well.

On December 15th of this year, we’ll be celebrating like nobody’s business! ONE YEAR HOME! And what an incredible year it has been. But this year has also been one of healing for me too, and as a mom, I’m allowed to take care of myself and my own emotions. I know that when I’m feeling well, Arden truly thrives.

The other day I read a story that I posted last year that said, “Maybe you have been assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved.” I hope our story is a reminder to other moms that while we all know your babies are your priority, it’s okay to allow yourself to feel. You’re allowed to have down days. You’re allowed to feel pride and excitement, while at the same time feeling fear and uncertainty. It’s all a part of the journey, and every bit should be cherished and respected.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a one-year-home celebration to plan!

XO, Rayel

*If you’re new here, welcome! You can catch up and see my first blog post here. You can also watch the story of our journey home from the hospital here!