I’ve Got a Pocket Full of Joy

I don’t know how, but the other day the topic of scooters came up. And I remembered how when we were in the hospital with Arden, the scooters in Edmonton brought me so much joy.

The day after Arden got his trach, I had demanded that Brodi leave his work in the middle of the day to drive down to Edmonton, because I was terrified and alone. My mom had left earlier that day because she needed to go home to my dad for the weekend. There was nothing I could have talked about that would make it better, and like always, I pushed her to go so that I could be alone to think. When Brodi arrived on that Friday evening, we ended up staying at the hospital till around midnight or so. We were exhausted, heartbroken, and scared for what the next day might hold. We knew that sleep would evade us anyways, and we were in no hurry to get “home.” 

At the time, there was this overflow of scooters that had overtaken the city. Suddenly everyone was riding these communal electric scooters everywhere. It looked like a lot of fun! But having very little time outside of the hospital aside from sleeping and eating, we had never tried them. 

As we walked back to the apartment we were staying in on that Friday night, I was feeling broken. Our little boy was completely sedated, and I didn’t know how long he would be that way. The scariest day of my life had occurred the day before when he got his trach, and I had had to watch as he was taken to surgery not once, but twice, in a 24 hour period. 

That Friday night, I felt a little stronger because Brodi was with me, but he knew that my spirit had been crushed. We walked past a group of scooters that were parked along the sidewalk, and Brodi said, “Stop.” When I turned around, he already had his phone out, downloading the app that was required to activate the scooters. He said, “You’re going to take this for a ride.” I thought he was a little insane. I am not known for being particularly trustworthy with anything motorized, and have even been known to bounce off a curb or two while operating a simple bicycle. Yet here he was, encouraging me to hope on this two-wheeled apparatus in the dark with no prior experience. 

That night, I nearly ran over one man on the sidewalk, and was yelled at by another woman who demanded to know why we were on the street so late. But honestly, I hadn’t felt that alive in months. I beetled up and down the sidewalks, around the apartment and past the convenience store down the street. As cliche as it might sound, I felt the wind in my hair and a spring return to my step, and I just felt…alive. I laughed, Brodi laughed at me, and as we walked into the apartment, I was still broken, but I carried this little pocket of joy with me. 

A week or so later, we took those same scooters out to dinner with the parents of Arden’s favorite NICU roommate; people I now consider great friends. We scootered, we had cocktails and ice cream, and for a few hours we gave up sleep in exchange for sanity. 

Over the next few months, the scooters would often provide this little boost of freedom and a return to my old self. On days when Arden was semi-sedated and took long afternoon naps, Brodi and I would ride the scooters down to Whyte Avenue and have lunch. During those moments, we reminisced about the times we had in years past when we had lived in Edmonton for university. For a split second here and there, I forgot about our worries, and I once again became the girl who could enjoy lunch on a patio in the sun. 

Those moments rejuvenated Brodi and I, and rebuilt our strength for the inevitable return to the scary moments and tough decisions that occurred within the walls of the hospital. Those moments solidified our love for one another, and reminded me that I could take on anything with the support of my soulmate. 

Those ridiculous scooters gave me small pockets of joy that I could carry with me on even the darkest of days. Now, on any day that is tough, I look to find the joy, I strive to see the good, I’m reminded that I am surrounded by love, and I work to see the blessings. You really can carry a little pocket of joy into any day. 

XO, Rayel

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