Strong, Happy, AND Healthy?
I read a quote the other day that was intended as a mantra for moms who are about to give birth. It read, “My baby will be strong, happy, and healthy.” I love mantras and I truly believe that holding space in your mind for one particular statement or goal can help you to focus your thoughts and persevere through anxious times. However, this particular mantra resonated with me because while it sounds wonderful, in some circumstances it might not be true.
Oftentimes, when parents-to-be are asked if they have found out the gender of their baby before birth, they will reply by saying, “It doesn’t matter, as long as s/he is healthy!” It’s a great outlook, but as a mom of a child born with a disability, my immediate thought is, “But what if they aren’t healthy?” I promise you, that if your child is born with health concerns, that “as long as…” statement will be the farthest thing from your mind.
What if your baby is sick when s/he is born? What if they need to be in the hospital for longer than anticipated? What if health becomes ALL that you strive towards in the days and weeks and months following their birth? Before it happened to us, I used to think, “What are the chances??”
My anxious thoughts during pregnancy often encompassed having a child with a disability or health concerns that could not immediately be solved by medical professionals. I don’t know why. I think a part of me already knew that we were going to have our amazing Arden. But still, I repeated very similar mantras as the one above to myself in order to quash my worries.
Around 3 million children per year in the U.S. are born with a disability, so the chances are greater than you might think. I don’t say that to induce fear or concern in expecting moms, but you could say at times I’m a bit of a realist. There is the chance that when a baby is born, boy or girl, he/she may have health concerns.
They might not be strong, happy, AND healthy. But here’s the thing, even if your baby isn’t “healthy,” they CAN still be strong and happy. I promise you that the three aren’t mutually exclusive.
I think my perspective is this: if your baby isn’t born healthy, look to all the qualities that s/he DOES have. Part of the grief that comes with having an unhealthy baby circles around “Why me? Why him? Why us?” However, I found that the more I shifted my focus away from these thoughts, the easier it was to jump into the present, and focus our energy on our STRONG and HAPPY baby boy.
Arden isn’t necessarily strong in spite of his disability. He is strong because of it. For every milestone, every accomplishment, every moment of pride he has for himself, he has had to work harder than the average kid. It’s not fair, and there are times when we ask ourselves, “Why does he have to go through this?” But life isn’t fair.
I used to always say, “The universe never gives us more than we can handle.” When Arden was born, and I was in the depths of my grief, uncertainty, and fear, I wavered in that belief. But now I believe that statement more than ever.
The universe pushed us. It pushed Brodi and I to become a stronger team, and it pushed Arden to become a strong-willed, resilient, and determined little man. And through it all, he has persevered. Without a doubt, he is one of the happiest toddlers you will ever meet.
So with that said, your baby may not be healthy. But they can still be strong AND happy. I think it’s important to focus on that. Because no matter what life throws your way, I promise you that you won’t sink…you’ll swim like hell. After a time, you won’t wonder what your life might have been like if things were different. You’ll revel in the amazing moments and steel yourself for the hard ones. And your family will continue to live, feeling stronger and happier every single day.
XO, Rayel