Toxic Positivity: Learning to be Mindful of my Emotions

I am guilty of toxic positivity. However, I only ever direct it at myself. I am a firm believer in gratitude and the law of attraction. I have always thought that when you put good energy into the universe, it not only helps to ensure that there is light and happiness in the world, but that the good energy will eventually return to you. If you’re a good person, good things will happen to you right? Obviously that belief has changed a lot in the past year. However, for a while I think that part of my grief surrounding the circumstances of Arden’s birth and the situation our family had been placed in, came from that idea. 

The gratitude that I’ve always shown had carried me until last year. I truly believe that I have had a great life. I was raised in a loving home, with parents who did everything to support my dreams and aspirations. I grew up with a younger brother who was and continues to be one of my best friends. I have met many wonderful people, and have maintained a 16 year friendship with someone that understands me better than a sister ever could. I was able to attend college and university with support from my family and without financial hardship. I met my soulmate at age 20, and have spent the better part of the last 10 years building the most amazing life with him. I am human like anyone else, inherently filled with flaws, but I always thought that if overall, you were kind to others, you worked hard, and you put good energy into the universe, then good things would come your way. Of course I occasionally doubted this concept. Once when we had just decided to try having children, I said to Brodi, “I have already been given so much good, what if that’s it for me? What if I have already taken too much?” Brodi scoffed at the idea and reassured me that there were still a lot of wonderful adventures yet to come our way. 

As a teacher, I often feel that I need to exude positivity as a self-created way to maintain job security. Most of the teachers I have met are incredibly passionate. The teachers that I have worked with are putting their heart and soul into their careers every single day, and the extra hours of work they put in are never complained about because they simply want to create the most amazing opportunities for our youth. Knowing this, and being part of such an inspiring cohort of individuals, I have always felt that I had to wholeheartedly love my job, and that I needed to show positivity to students, parents and colleagues at all times. To do otherwise would mean that I wasn’t putting my best foot forward. In no way, was this concept said or even implied to me. I created it myself. I believe it stems from years of anxiety, imposter syndrome, and a lifelong desire to “do well.” But that’s a topic for another day. Whatever the case, I have always wanted to be a positive presence for others, but occasionally, that pursuit has come at the expense of my own authenticity.

Don’t get me wrong, showing positivity comes naturally to me. It isn’t a role that I am playing by any means. In many ways, I am a realist. I was certainly raised by realists. My parents have always been able to see the brighter side of life, but they are also the first to tell you what should truly be expected in any given circumstance. They never wanted my brother or I to experience unnecessary shock or concern when things didn’t quite go the way we planned. “Hope for the best and expect the worst,” was a common phrase I heard. It wasn’t meant as cynicism, but rather as a means of seeing things clearly. We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life, so we need to be mindful enough to appreciate the good when it’s here. To see things clearly from the beginning is a trait that I was born with, and have nurtured. Although this trait often allows me to see the true face of people and situations within minutes, and that can be a bummer at first, I have also learned to work around it. I have built a life around choosing to look at situations with a positive perspective or a “silver lining.” Hardships come, life can be tough, but making the choice to be positive has given me a sense of control, and a code of honor to follow when I wanted to bring good energy into the universe. After all, the world around us would be better if we saw everything in a positive light, right? 

Well lately, I’ve discovered that this concept that I have built for myself holds many flaws. For one, being positive all the time is exhausting. I am constantly berating myself for being “negative” in situations. If I don’t put my best foot forward and exude a positive perspective, I beat myself up later for it. I regularly think that if only I was more positive, or had given more positive energy, then maybe things would have been different. It’s a flawed perspective, and I’m willing to work on it. Sometimes feelings and expressions of sadness, uncertainty and negativity are meant to be felt and heard. We have to experience and share these emotions so that we can enjoy the flip side when it comes back around. 

After Arden was born, I talked to a few of my colleagues about our circumstances. [I believe that I was experiencing a bit of an identity crisis, but I never did admit that to myself or anyone else at the time.] I told them that at times, everything had been hard for me to accept, because I always thought that if you put good energy into the world, and were a good person, then good things would happen. One of my colleagues replied, “Rayel, you don’t believe that this happened to you because you are a bad person, right?.” And it hit me. I don’t want to use the word bad, because our circumstances are not bad. It has been a hard, stressful, and soul shaking year. But it has also given us the greatest gift of all. Arden has changed my life in ways that I never thought possible. His journey and the experiences we have had as a family have given me a perspective that I never would have achieved in any other way. However, hard things happen to good people. Awful circumstances happen to good people. The most difficult, heart wrenching, physically and emotionally trying situations happen to good people. It’s just the way life goes. 

I have always said that the universe never gives us more than we can handle. And now I believe in that mantra more than ever. The universe has given us more in the past year than I ever imagined. I know that as time goes on, it will continue to test our strength, but I am ready. For someone who has always preached the importance of mindfulness, I am just beginning to feel it fully for myself. It’s great to be positive, and I don’t believe there is anything wrong with seeing the silver lining. But there is also value in feeling the negative. Allowing sadness to consume you, or acknowledging that your mind and body are being pulled in many directions by stress. Being mindful, accepting those feelings in the present, and moving through them are all part of a healthy process. I will continue to be positive, but I will also try to go a little easier on myself when I need to feel differently. Hard things happen to good people. And sometimes those hard things push us to create a more incredible life than the positive or the easy ever could. Be mindful, and let the energy flow. 

XO, Rayel