We All Just Want to be Seen: Perspective, Kindness, and Empathy

I’ve been thinking about the quote, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” This quote has been around for many years, and I regularly see it pop up on pinterest or social media posts. It’s not new to me, but the way I feel about it has changed over time.

I used to see the quote and think, “Yeah, yeah, not everyone has a hard life. But whatever, just be kind anyways.” I used to completely miss the point of this quote. Because I would look at the people posting it, or saying it, and think, “Well, what battle are you fighting?” Their lives looked pretty great. Maybe I saw them living in nice houses, working decent jobs or driving nice cars, celebrating holidays with loving families, getting married and having beautiful babies. All of those things seemed alright to me. 

It’s incredible that I thought those things about other people, while struggling with my own battles from time to time, never considering other people having hidden struggles as well. Or rather, I had always realized that other people might have tough days too, but I never really paused to consider that fact in my day to day life. I had never gotten coffee from the barista at Starbucks and thought, “I wonder how that person’s morning went? I wonder if they’re okay?” 

I think I lived inside my own head a lot. I still do, really. I consider myself fairly introspective. I reflect a lot on my own thoughts and feelings. Probably because I desire to have control over my own mental and emotional health. But to be perfectly honest, I didn’t truly take this analysis outside of myself on a regular basis until this past year. 

I think I’ve always been an empathetic person. I’ve always cared about other peoples’ feelings, and it pains me to see others in despair. But my experiences this past year have helped me to really see outside of myself, consider the behind-the-scenes feelings of others, and to regularly ensure that I’m considering others’ battles in my everyday life. 

I first started thinking about this in the many moments when I found myself completely unpresentable while we were in Edmonton in the hospital with Arden. There were so many days when my face wore my emotions like a mask of sadness, frustration, loneliness, or heartbreak. I couldn’t control it, and I didn’t care to. I walked out of that hospital crying on many occasions, and felt the stares of strangers. There were times when Brodi took me to lunch and I cried in the middle of the restaurant. Then there were other times, when I ordered coffee, or bought lunch at the cafeteria, and could hardly even remember what I had ordered, because my mind was elsewhere and I was walking through the world like a zombie. I’m sure at those times, I looked like anyone else, wandering around with an everyday mindset, doing everyday things. But I wasn’t, I was struggling. 

In some of the worst, most heartbreaking days that I ever experienced, it was often the actions and words of other people that brought me back to Earth. Sometimes in negative ways, sometimes positive. Both were valuable, because I believe they challenged me to continue striving to be a kinder, more empathetic person. Kind gestures and words go a long way. There are many people who have helped me along our journey, but the ones that have left the biggest impression, are the ones who took the time to see me. Especially during those days in the hospital, when it took all of my strength just to survive another day. I appreciated those who took the time to look in my eyes, recognize the pain and struggle behind my “power-through” smile, and be kind.  

I want to see that in other people. I want to look at others, and know that no matter how ordinary or okay things seem on the outside, maybe behind the scenes, there is something more going on. Maybe they need my smile. Maybe they need me to say something really kind. Maybe they need me to make a silly, innocent joke. They might be a stranger, and they might think I’m weird. But to me, it’s better to risk being awkward rather than making others feel alone or unseen. 

My favourite person at the hospital was our cleaning lady in the PICU. She’s aging, and still working because she loves her job and the people she gets to impact just by being kind. I gave her our phone number and address and we still keep in touch because her simple, wonderful kindness meant the world to me. She cried when I cried, she came to say hi to Arden every morning, and she regularly said to me, “Did you eat mama?” Although her strong Greek accent sometimes made our communication laboured, she understood exactly what I needed, and would even sit with me on her breaks sometimes, because she knew Brodi was away and I was alone. She brought me apples from her garden and cups of hot water with tea bags she had saved from McDonalds. She stood outside our door and placed her hand on her heart for me when there were multiple doctors in our room during the tough times. I’ll remember her, because she cared. She showed me empathy and kindness on the hardest days I’ve ever faced. It’s people like her who make the world a better place. She saw me, and for that, I will always be grateful.

Unlike the quote says, not everyone is having a hard day. Not everyone is facing a battle. Not everyone is going through heartbreak. But it doesn’t matter. Because they could be. And no matter what place we’re at in our life, we all want to be seen. We all want to be shown recognition, kindness, and empathy. On November 8th, 2020, I wrote in my journal: “Everyone has their troubles. We just have more than most right now. We may be walking a very difficult path, but so is everyone else.” And I’ve learned that everyone’s struggles are the hardest that they’ve ever experienced. When people say to me, “Oh I feel guilty for complaining about this, because you (or someone else) has it worse…” it invalidates their feelings about their situation. For them, whatever they are going through is hard, and it doesn’t need to be compared to others’ situations in order to be valid. 

Having a baby during a pandemic is hard. Postponing a wedding because of covid-19 is hard. Having an awful day at work is hard. Not being able to go on a vacation is hard. Having car troubles is hard. Regardless of the types of struggles each individual faces, it’s all valid. It deserves recognition and empathy. And I believe that if we approached each person with this thought in the back of our minds, maybe we’d all be a little kinder.

Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” I believe that every day, I have the opportunity to know better, and do better. I may spend a lifetime finding new ways to view the world, and new ways to try harder to be a better person. But I figure there’s worse ways a person could occupy their time. 

XO, Rayel