Making Time for Us
I was going to title this post, “Finding time for us.” I changed my mind, because honestly, we don’t have any more time in a day to “find.” We all get the same finite amount of time in a day. 24 hours. 24 hours to do with what you please. We all wish we had more of it, but what it really comes down to are choices. We choose what we use our time for.
Once I was in the grocery store and I overheard a father tell his son that he didn’t have time for a particular activity. The son replied, “What do you mean?! You’re an adult; you can make your own time!” And I’ve never forgotten that. We really do “make” our own time. Aside from the necessary time it takes for sleeping and eating, the way we spend our days all adds up to the choices we made to get to where we are now.
I think one of the hardest aspects of being parents has been making time for ourselves. Both independently and as a married couple. A lot of our time is consumed with discussing and working on things that just need to get done. Laundry, taxes, cleaning, payroll, dishes, working, caring for Arden, scheduling, calling, and the list goes on and on. We don’t really have that much time to “find.” It’s not as if extra hours are just suddenly going to appear in a day. We have to make the time to enjoy each other’s company. Even during the mundane everyday life tasks.
The other night I was complaining because I was cleaning up toys, doing dishes, and writing caregiver schedules at 11:45PM. I was feeling alone in my frustration, and feeling as if everything was falling to me. But then I looked over, and Brodi was doing taxes and payroll on his computer. We’re both in it together, and we both have to do things that bring stress into our lives. But it’s remembering to encourage and support one another that makes the difference. It’s important that we remember that the tasks we each take on aren’t harder or more time consuming than the other, just different.
Sometimes I feel grumpy because I’m just plain tired of how full our days are. And even when they’re not full, Arden’s care means we have to be “on” all the time. All toddlers’ needs require that, actually! But what I need to realize is that being grouchy towards my partner isn’t going to make it better. We do need to complain or vent a little bit, but we also need to laugh about things, joke around and avoid taking our frustrations out on eachother. We need to take the time to really have meaningful conversations, and to turn off the tv and put down the phones and really pay attention to one another. Those moments when we listen and take interest in each other’s hobbies or perspectives are huge. They’re the times when we become most connected, and we regain our stride after our brains have been occupied by so many other things for the majority of the day.
The winters have been tough on both Brodi and I. Many of the hobbies that we used to occupy our time with have had to be put on hold because Arden can’t go outside when it’s really cold. We used to spend many winter weekends at our trapline cabin, skidooing and checking traps, sitting next to the fire and reading and playing games, and enjoying outdoor campfires. These weekends were a way that we could each find something to do that we loved. And we enjoyed not having cell service so that we could truly take a break from the outside world. Now, with Arden being trach vented, we can’t be out in the cold for any length of time, and we also need to be in cell service in case of emergency. Our winters have certainly changed, and it leaves us looking forward to spring/summer and warmer weather!
As a couple, the shared moments we have bring us closer together, and help to keep our relationship healthy. But we also need to have times when we feel free and independent enough to go work on our own hobbies or interests. Brodi thoroughly enjoys any time he gets to spend golfing, and this winter he was lucky to participate in some simulated golf. It’s not the same as the real thing, but it keeps him practising during the colder months! This spring has seemed incredibly long and dreary, and our golf courses around here aren’t ready yet. I know that Brodi is itching to get outside and do what he loves, so we can’t wait until things start to green up around here!
I recently returned to going to a studio to do yoga every so often, which is something I enjoyed quite regularly before Arden was born. Yoga and meditation have always been something that allows my brain and body a release from the stressors of life. Taking the time away from home to do it gives me a real break. I’ve done yoga at home when I’m with Arden, and it’s completely different. Don’t get me wrong, I love laughing at him as he throws toys onto my yoga mat and tries to tickle my feet. But it isn’t the relaxing experience that I sometimes desperately need.
We don’t have any more time in a day to “find,” but I think we are slowly getting better at “making” our time in a way that best serves our health, our family, and our relationship. Balance is a constant work in progress, but one that we’re willing to try for each and every day!
XO, Rayel